There Is No Spoon

All That Love...

2010-12-10T15:47:00.000+08:00

This short is extremely short. I wouldn't really call it a story. You can call it whatever you want. But I would like to say this: Love isn't all that good and wonderful and fantastic. Love can be dangerous. Very dangerous. Love can kill. Love can create wars. Love can give birth to terrorism. So, love modestly and smartly.

All That Love...

“What is love?” a young girl asks her mother.

Her mother replies, with a tiny smile, “Love is like the wind. You feel it, but you can’t see it. It’s like breathing… it keeps you alive. Love is like you… it’s beautiful. Love is the tears I shed when I miss you. Love is the joy I feel when I hold you. Love is… so many things. So many things.”

“Why are you smiling? You look so happy,” the daughter says to her mother.

“That’s because I’m in love with you,” the mother replies, giving her daughter a kiss on the cheek.

“Love makes people happy?”

“Sometimes. Not all the time.’

“Why sometimes?”

“Because some people fall in love with the wrong people. Some people fall in love for the wrong reasons. And some people fall in love with the wrong people for the wrong reasons.”

“Well, if love can make me unhappy, I’d rather choose not to fall in love,” the daughter says.

“It’s not that easy, dear. You don’t choose to fall in love. You can’t.”

“I can’t?”

The mother shakes her head. “No, you can’t. It just happens. You don’t get to choose. Falling in love is not that easy.”

“Sounds scary.”

“It is scary. Sometimes it can get so scary, your heart will beat so fast… you’ll wish you’ll never stop feeling that way.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“That’s ridiculous,” the daughter says, laughing innocently.

“It is ridiculous, isn’t it? But that’s just the way love is. It makes us do the most ridiculous things.”

“Did you do anything ridiculous because of love?” the daughter asks.

“Of course I did.”

“Tell me one ridiculous thing you did.”

“Well, it was when I first met your father twenty years ago. Your father was different then.”

“How different?”

“He had more hair.”

The daughter laughs and says, “I’ve seen the pictures.”

“You have, haven’t you?” says the mother, laughing along with her daughter.

“So, tell me. What did you do?” asks the daughter, a little anxious.

“Well, there’s really nothing much to say, honey. I simply got a little carried away when I found out your father was dating another girl. I mean, all I was concerned about was getting your father’s attention away from her and on to me.”

“What was her name?”

“Sally, I think.”

“What did you do to her?”

“Oh, honey. I don’t think I should be telling you all this.”

“Come on mummy. Tell me. I want to know. You can’t tell a story and leave it hanging unfinished. It’s not fair. That’s what daddy always does.”

“You really want to know?”

“Yes. Please.”

“Okay. I’ll tell you. But you have to promise me one thing.”

“What?”

“Promise me that you’ll never tell anyone about it. Not even your father.”

“Why?”

“No questions. Promise me and I’ll tell you.”

“Okay, okay. I promise.”

The mother smiles. She then leans back on her favorite chair. The daughter slowly moves toward her mother, eagerly waiting to hear what her mother has to say. The mother, in the softest voice, says, “I killed her.”

Yellow

2010-09-29T19:59:00.012+08:00

Just like my previous work, “Conversations”, “Yellow” is also in the format of a screenplay, adjusted to fit this blog. It also pretty much carries the same theme as “Conversations”. “Yellow” is also about reaping what you sow. Do you believe in Karma? Smile if you do…

Yellow
by
Suresh Ramskay

PITCH BLACK.

The sound of an ALARM RINGING/BUZZING is heard.

FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
CLOSE ON: ALARM CLOCK on the table next to the bed.
PAN TO: ANDREW, 28 years old, on his messy bed. He is in his PAJAMAS. There are PORN MAGAZINES on the bed, next to Andrew. His eyes still closed, Andrew slowly moves his hand to the noisy alarm clock. He grabs it and hurls it towards a wall. The
clock is smashed. A woman’s voice is heard OFF SCREEN. It’s ANDREW’S MOM.

ANDREW’S MOM (O.S.)
(yells)
Andrew! Wake up!

Andrew does not move.

ANDREW’S MOM (O.S.)
(yells louder)
Andrew!!

ANDREW
(softly)
Shut up.

Andrew covers his ears with his pillow.

ANDREW’S MOM (O.S.)
(yells even louder)
Andrew!!!

ANDREW
(loudly)
Shut up, mom!!

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
CLOSE ON: A cheap, old, rusty FRIDGE.
Andrew’s hand enters FRAME and opens the fridge. There’s almost nothing in the fridge and the only thing obvious to the eyes is A BOTTLE OF MINERAL WATER, with the name “FRIZZ DELIGHT” on it. Andrew grabs the bottle and takes a gulp. He then casually looks into the fridge. After a moment, the casual glance turns serious and Andrew frowns. He has realized something.

ANDREW
(yells)
Mom, where are all the Frizz Delights?

ANDREW’S MOM (O.S.)
You finished it all.

ANDREW
Fuck.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Andrew’s Mom, who looks like she’s in her 50’s, is on the couch watching something lame on TV. Andrew, with a T-shirt on his shoulder, walks in zipping up his jeans. Andrew’s Mom looks at her son.

ANDREW’S MOM
You smell like garbage, Andrew.
When was the last time you took a
bath?

ANDREW
(couldn’t care less about
what his mother just
said)
I’m going to the store.

Andrew puts on the T-shirt.

ANDREW’S MOM
I don’t want you coming back home
with another packet of condoms.

ANDREW
For God’s sake! Will you let it go
already? It was just one time. I
didn’t even use it.

ANDREW’S MOM
That’s because I found it first.

ANDREW
What the hell do you think I
would’ve done with it? Used it all
up masturbating in my fucking room?

ANDREW’S MOM
(shocked)
How do you talk to me like that?
I’m your mother.

Andrew picks up a key from the coffee table.

ANDREW
I’m taking the car.

Andrew walks out of the house and slams the door shut.

I/E. CAR(OLD CAR/MERCEDES BENZ)/ROAD - MORNING
The road is empty. Almost dead. Andrew is driving an old car. He’s tuning through different stations on the radio. WE HEAR the stations being tuned in the background. The car comes to a TRAFFIC LIGHT. ON LIGHT: It’s YELLOW. Andrew slows down and stops. Almost immediately, a car behind starts HONKING. Andrew winds down the window and puts his head out and looks at the car behind. It’s a BLACK MERCEDES BENZ. The windshield of the Benz is SMASHED and the roof DENTED. It continues honking.

ANDREW
What’s your fucking problem?

The PISSED DRIVER in the Benz, who’s BALD, stops honking and puts his head out the window too.

PISSED DRIVER
You, driving like a fucking retard.
That’s my fucking problem.

ANDREW
(showing off his middle
finger)
Fuck you, asshole.

PISSED DRIVER
(showing off his middle
finger)
Fuck you too.

Andrew gets his head back in the car and winds up the window.

ANDREW
(shakes his head)
Uncivilized son-of-a-bitch.

Andrew continues tuning the radio. A moment passes by… the Benz starts honking again. Andrew looks at his SIDE VIEW MIRROR. ON MIRROR: Pissed driver, his head sticking out the window, yelling.

PISSED DRIVER
Move your fucking car, you dick!

The Pissed Driver points to the light: it’s GREEN. Andrew looks at the light and with a small smile on his face, continues fiddling with his radio. The Pissed Driver continues honking and yelling. Then, all of a sudden, it’s quiet. Andrew, aware of the abrupt silence, looks at the side view mirror again. ON MIRROR: Just the Benz, but no sign of Pissed Driver. Andrew keeps looking, and after a moment, Pissed Driver finally steps out of the car. Andrew chuckles, amused. Unafraid, Andrew steps out of the car and sees: Pissed Driver, walking rapidly towards Andrew, holding a BASEBALL BAT! Andrew is horrified at the sight of the bat.

ANDREW
Fuck.

Andrew quickly gets in the car and as soon as he does, Pissed Driver smashes the window on Andrew’s side. Andrew tries to put the car into gear, but it’s jammed.

ANDREW (CONT'D)
Come on!

The Pissed Driver starts ravaging Andrew’s car. The windshield, headlights. Parts from Andrew’s car fall off one by one to the ground. Andrew finally manages to put the car in gear, hits on the accelerator and drives off. The Pissed Driver runs to the Benz and goes after Andrew.

ANDREW IN HIS CAR.
Andrew is a nervous wreck. His hands are shaking and he’s driving like he’s Michael Schumacher. Andrew glances at the REAR VIEW MIRROR, hoping to see the worst, but ON MIRROR: Empty road. No sign of the Benz. Then, the HONKING returns. Andrew looks at the rear view mirror and sees the Mercedes Benz catching up to him.

ANDREW (CONT'D)
Shit!

The Benz drives up next to Andrew’s old car. Andrew and Pissed Driver look at each other eye to eye. Two different face expressions.
ANDREW: Scared shitless. PISSED DRIVER: Pissed as hell.

PISSED DRIVER
I’m gonna kill you!

ANDREW
Leave me alone!

PISSED DRIVER
(louder)
I’m gonna fucking kill you!!

Pissed Driver, in an attempt to ‘fucking kill’ Andrew, swerves to the left to hit the side of Andrew’s car. Andrew, in an attempt to avoid from being hit by the Benz, jerks to the left, loses control of the car and goes off road and into the bushes, where it comes to a halt. The Benz speeds off, honking proudly as it does. Andrew, shaking like a little girl, slowly gets out of the car. Once out of the car, he falls to the ground, like he’s ready to black out. But he picks himself up and, with all his might, shouts at the long gone Mercedes Benz and it’s driver.

ANDREW
Chicken shit! Motherfucking
bastard!

Andrew leans against his car and takes a deep breath and slowly calms down. He turns to his damaged car. It’s… damaged. Andrew starts cleaning up the mess of broken glass inside the car. ‘POP’!! A loud exploding sound is heard. Andrew turns to see where the sound is from and sees a WHITE VAN with a FLAT TYRE, slowly approaching him. The van stops next to Andrew’s ruined car. From the van, out comes PAUL, 34. He is shirtless, and has only his underwear on him. Paul ignores Andrew’s presence and checks out the van’s front tyre. It’s a FLAT.

PAUL
Shit!! Shit!!

Paul looks at Andrew. He then looks at Andrew’s car.

ANDREW
Having a shitty day?

Paul turns to the van again. He kicks it and shouts angrily.

PAUL
Mother fucking piece of fucking
shit!!

Paul suddenly notices something at the punctured tyre. He goes near it and pulls out something from the tyre. It’s a BROKEN HEADLIGHT. Paul approaches Andrew’s car and looks at the headlight. It’s broken. Paul shows the broken headlight he’s holding to Andrew.

PAUL (CONT'D)
Is this yours?

Andrew nods and takes the headlight from Paul.

ANDREW
I had a shitty day too.

PAUL
This is un-fucking-believable!

Andrew leans against his car and looks at the pathetic looking Paul.

ANDREW
You got a spare tyre?

Paul, who’s busy figuring out a solution, is distracted by Andrew’s question.

PAUL
What?

ANDREW
A spare tyre? Do you have one?

PAUL
I don’t know. This piece of shit
isn’t even mine.

Andrew sighs and goes to the back of the van. He opens it and is horrified to find another UNDERWEAR MAN lying in the back. He seems to be unconscious.

ANDREW
What the fuck is this?

Paul runs to the back.

PAUL
That’s my driver.

Andrew is just shaking in his pants. He slowly moves to his car.

ANDREW
Okay. I’ll just leave you two the
fuck alone and mind my own fucking
business.

PAUL
Wait a minute. Aren’t you going to
help us?

ANDREW
I don’t help weirdos.

PAUL
I’m not a weirdo! Come on, damn it! Give us a
ride. I have to get to an important
meeting in fifteen minutes.

ANDREW
Do I look like I give the slightest
bit of shit?

Andrew gets into the car and drives off.

PAUL
(yells)
Asshole!!

INT. CAR/STORE - MORNING
Andrew drives to a store. He parks the car and walks into the store. He goes to the mineral water section. There are lots of brands but Andrew can’t seem to find the one he’s looking for. Andrew goes to the counter where there’s a CASHIER.

ANDREW
Where do you keep your Frizz
Delights?

CASHIER
It should be together with the
other brands of mineral water.
Second row, at the back.

ANDREW
It’s not there.

CASHIER
Oh. Well, that means we’re out.
Sorry.

ANDREW
(to himself)
Motherfucker.

CASHIER
But if you’re willing to wait,
we’re supposed to receive a
delivery of more Frizz Delights
today.

ANDREW
How long?

CASHIER
I don’t know. A couple of hours?

ANDREW
Motherfucker.

MISS FRANCINE (O.S.)
I know where you can get Frizz
Delights.

Andrew turns and sees MISS FRANCINE, a hot 25 years old woman, walking to the counter. She places a packet of lady’s pad on the counter and pays the cashier. Andrew looks at the pad.

ANDREW
Where?

MISS FRANCINE
There’s a supermarket 50 minutes
away. They never run out of Frizz
Delights.

ANDREW
(stunned)
50 minutes?

MISS FRANCINE
Well, you sounded desperate.

The cashier puts the pad in a bag and hands it to Miss Francine.

MISS FRANCINE (CONT'D)
(to cashier)
Thank you.

Miss Francine walks out. Andrew slowly walks out too, thinking hard. As Miss Francine is about to get in her car…

ANDREW
Which way?

Miss Francine, with a smile, points to where the supermarket is.

MISS FRANCINE
Is a bottle of mineral water really
worth 50 minutes of your time?

ANDREW
You know what they say about Frizz
Delight. Every drop...

MISS FRANCINE
...is a delight. Yeah.

Miss Francine gets in her car and drives away. Andrew thinks really hard while looking into the supermarket’s direction. After a moment…

ANDREW
(shakes his head)
No fucking way.

I/E. CAR/ROAD - MORNING
Andrew is driving again. As he drives, he sees someone walking on the other side of the road, going the opposite direction. It’s Paul and he’s still in his underwear.
Andrew slows down and stops the car. Through the rear view mirror, he looks at Paul, just walking along, trying to stop passing cars. Andrew thinks for a moment. It’s a tough decision… but Andrew makes a U-turn and drives near Paul. Paul stops walking once he sees Andrew.

ANDREW
Now, this may be a big fucking surprise
to you, but I don’t think anyone
would pick up a stranger walking on
the road in his underwear.

PAUL
I thought you didn’t give a shit.

ANDREW
Look man. I’m just trying to be
nice. Either you get in, or get
lost.

Paul gets in the car.

ANDREW (CONT'D)
Where to?

PAUL
The Big Frizz. You know where it
is?

ANDREW
The Big Frizz? The place where they
make Frizz Delights? The country’s
number one mineral water?

PAUL
Yeah.

ANDREW
Yeah, I know where it is.

PAUL
Well, step on it then. I’m in a
hurry.

Andrew drives.

I/E. VAN/ROAD - MORNING
The Underwear Man at the back of the van slowly gains his consciousness. Once he’s fully awake, he gets out of the van and looks around. He is confused and bleeding.

UNDERWEAR MAN
Mr. Frizfurry?

Unable to take the pain and losing a lot of blood, the Underwear Man falls to the ground and passes out. At that moment, a huge truck passes by. The truck slows down and stops a few meters away from the van. Two truck drivers: TRUCK DRIVER 1 and TRUCK DRIVER 2 get down from the truck and run to the Underwear Man.

TRUCK DRIVER 1
What the fuck happened here?

TRUCK DRIVER 2

I just wanna know why he's

in his fucking underwear. Let's just

split, man!

TRUCK DRIVER 1
What the fuck is wrong with you?
He’s going to bleed to death. We
need to get him to a hospital.

TRUCK DRIVER 2
We don’t need this shit right now.
We got a delivery to make.

TRUCK DRIVER 1
Come on, man!

Truck Driver 1 tries to carry Underwear Man, but he’s too heavy.

TRUCK DRIVER 1 (CONT'D)
Help me, damn it!

TRUCK DRIVER 2
Oh, fuck!

Truck Driver 2 reluctantly helps carry Underwear Man.

TRUCK DRIVER 2 (CONT'D)
This is just fucking great. Why
don’t we go donate our sperms and
help some fucking orphans on our
way back?

TRUCK DRIVER 1
Shut the fuck up.

TRUCK DRIVER 2
We should be in Oprah for this shit.

Truck Driver 1 and 2 get Underwear Man into the truck. On the truck are the words: FRIZZ DELIGHT and a picture of PAUL, holding a bottle of Frizz Delight with a big smile and a thumbs up. Also on the picture, the words: EVERY DROP IS A DELIGHT.

INT. CAR - MORNING
Andrew is driving at normal speed. Paul gets agitated.

PAUL
Is this as fast as you can go, or
are you waiting for the car to
recharge so that it can go at
warping speed?

Andrew glances at Paul.

ANDREW
What the fuck happened to you
anyway?

PAUL
I was robbed.

ANDREW
Really?

PAUL
Yeah. And this was supposed to be a
good, fucking day.

EXT. YOGA CLASS - MORNING [IN BLACK AND WHITE]
The Underwear Man, fully clothed, with an expensive looking suit, is standing at the door. He is reading the paper. Then, his mobile phone rings. The Underwear Man answers it.

UNDERWEAR MAN
Hello? Yeah. Mr. Frizfurry’s busy
right now. He’s in yoga class.

INT. YOGA CLASS - CONTINUOUS [IN BLACK AND WHITE]
Paul is having sex with his yoga instructor, the hot 25 years old Miss Francine.

MISS FRANCINE
Harder. Harder.

Paul goes in harder.

MISS FRANCINE
Deeper. Deeper damn it. Fuck me
like a horse.

Paul is taken aback. And goes in deeper.

MISS FRANCINE
Yes, that’s it. Oh, my God, that’s
it. Oh, you’re a fucking animal.

PAUL
(as he fucks)
Yes. Like a horse.

MISS FRANCINE
Like a horse. Yes.

PAUL
Yes.

I/E. YOGA CLASS - CONTINUOUS [IN BLACK AND WHITE]
The Underwear Man is still reading the paper. Then suddenly, he hears, from inside, Paul neighing like a horse. The Underwear Man is shocked. His mobile phone rings and he answers it.

UNDERWEAR MAN
Hello? No, he’s busy. I’m sorry,
but… What? You’re kidding me. Hold on.

Underwear Man knocks on the door. He waits. Knocks on the door again and waits. Miss Francine, looking absolutely calmed and relaxed, and fully clothed, opens the door.

MISS FRANCINE
Yes?

UNDERWEAR MAN
There’s an urgent call for Mr.
Frizfurry.

Miss Francine let’s Underwear Man in. The Underwear Man walks in and sees Paul trying to attempt a yoga bend.

UNDERWEAR MAN (CONT'D)
Mr. Frizfurry... call from the
office.

PAUL
I told you I didn’t want to be
disturbed.

UNDERWEAR MAN
Yes, but… I think you should take
this.

Paul sighs and answers the phone.

PAUL
Paul here. What is it? What?!! Are you fucking kidding me?

INT. CAR - MORNING
Back to the present where Paul is telling his story to Andrew.

PAUL
She was a fantastic fuck, but I had
to cut it short. Major problems at
the factory.

ANDREW
You work at The Big Frizz?

PAUL
Work?
(snickers)
What’s your name?

ANDREW
What’s it to you?

PAUL
I’m just asking. You don’t have to
be so fucking rude.

ANDREW
Andrew.

PAUL
Andrew, I’m Paul Frizfurry. I own
The Big Frizz. Frizz Delight is my
product. My baby.

Andrew hits on the brake.

ANDREW
Are you fucking with me?

PAUL
No, I’m not fucking with you and I
don’t plan to fuck with you anytime
soon.

Andrew keeps staring at Paul.

PAUL (CONT'D)
Would you please get going?

Andrew starts driving again. He’s shocked.

PAUL
So, as I was saying… major problems at the factory.

I/E. MERCEDES/ROAD - MORNING [IN BLACK AND WHITE]
Paul is at the back seat, with an expensive suit on him. He’s on the phone. The Underwear Man is driving.

PAUL
(yelling into phone)
You’re the fucking manager. You’re
supposed to be managing my fucking
company. Well, if you’re so good at your
fucking job, why don’t you explain
to me how I lost half a million
dollars of products in one fucking
day? What the fuck do you mean you’re
sorry? Your sorry means fucking
shit to me. I don’t fucking want it. I want my
fucking money back. You better
figure out a fucking solution by
the time I get there, or I’m gonna
fire your fucking ass.

Paul violently hangs up. Suddenly the car stops. Paul looks to the front and sees why Underwear Man stopped the car. A white van has blocked the Mercedes’ path.

PAUL (CONT'D)
(to Underwear Man)
What’s going on?

UNDERWEAR MAN
I don’t know, Mr. Frizfurry.

Then, a man comes out of the van. It’s the PISSED DRIVER. He signals to the Underwear Man, asking him to come to the van.

UNDERWEAR MAN (CONT'D)
I think he’s calling me.

PAUL
Well, if he thinks we’re getting
out of this car, he’s out of his
fucking mind. Drive around the van
and keep going.

The Underwear Man moves the car a little to the back. And as he slowly tries to go around the van, the Pissed Driver goes to the van and pulls out a baseball bat. He then runs to the Mercedes and smashes the windshield. The Mercedes halts and
the Pissed Driver opens the door and hits Underwear Man on the head. Underwear Man passes out. Pissed Driver looks at the terrified Paul.

PISSED DRIVER
Get out! Get the fuck out!

Paul just sits there.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Are you deaf? Get out of the
fucking car right now!

Pissed Driver hits the car roof with his baseball bat.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Now, bitch!

Paul gets out of the car.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Get your driver out of the car too.

Paul just stands there.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Do it, or I’ll fucking kill you!

Pissed Driver hits the car roof again. Paul carries Underwear Man out of the car.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Carry him to the back of the van.

Paul does as told and places Underwear Man in the back of the van.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
You get in too.

PAUL
Just take the car and go. I won’t
get in your way.

PISSED DRIVER
You have a big fucking mouth. Did I
ask you to talk?

Paul doesn’t say a word.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Did I ask you to talk, bitch?

PAUL
No.

PISSED DRIVER
Then don’t talk! Get the fuck in!

Paul gets in the back of the van.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Now, undress him...
(points to Underwear Man)
...and then undress yourself.

As Paul is about to open his mouth to protest, the Pissed Driver cuts him off.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
What?!
(hits the van with his
bat)
What?! You wanna say something?!
Come on! Open your fucking mouth! I
dare you, bitch! Open it!

Paul remains silent.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Your clothes’. Now.

Paul begins to undress Underwear Man.

INT. CAR - MORNING
Andrew is listening to Paul’s tragic story.

PAUL
It was the lowest point of my life.
It wasn’t only embarrassing or
terrifying... it was disgusting.
(looks at his right hand)
I accidentally touched his balls.
Thank God for underwears.

ANDREW
Where is he anyway?

PAUL
Who?

ANDREW
Your driver.

PAUL
I left him in the van.

ANDREW
Really? Wow. That’s fucking
fantastic. I’m sure you’ll win the
‘Employer of The Year’ award for
your selfless and courageous act.

PAUL
What? Come on. He’s fine.

ANDREW
Fine? He got hit in the head with a
fucking baseball bat.

PAUL
I’ll send someone to get him once I
get to the office.

ANDREW
Hooray for Paul.

PAUL
Shut the fuck up.

EXT. ROAD - MORNING [IN BLACK AND WHITE]
Paul, now in his underwear, hands both his and Underwear Man’s suit to Pissed Driver.

PISSED DRIVER
Thank you fucking much.

Pissed Driver searches the pockets of the suits. He then pulls out a wallet from one of the suits. He looks into the wallet and is overwhelmed with joy.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
God must love me.

Pissed Driver looks at the two men in their underwear.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Don’t move a muscle until I’m gone.

And Pissed Driver closes the door.

I/E. VAN/ROAD - CONTINUOUS [IN BLACK AND WHITE]
Paul just sits there, waiting and listening. He hears the Mercedes door closing. The car engine starts. And a few seconds later, it drives away. Paul waits for a while, then slowly opens the door and gets out of the van. He looks around. Pissed Driver is gone and so is the Mercedes. Paul takes a deep breath and looks at his watch. He goes to the driver’s seat of the van and sees that the key is in the ignition. He starts the van and drives.

INT. CAR - MORNING
Paul ends his story. Andrew is a little surprised.

PAUL
And you know what happened next.

ANDREW
It was a Mercedes?

PAUL
Yup.

ANDREW
Smashed windshield? Dented roof?

PAUL
That’s my car. Why?

ANDREW
The motherfucker who did this to my
car drove the same kind of
Mercedes.

PAUL
You’re fucking kidding me.

ANDREW
And he used a baseball bat.

Andrew shakes his head. They both try to swallow this fact, and after a few seconds…

ANDREW & PAUL
Un-fucking-believable.

EXT. ALLEY - MORNING
Miss Francine is waiting in her car. She looks nervous. Then, comes another car. Paul’s Mercedes. The car stops next to Miss Francine’s car. The Pissed Driver gets out of the car and so does Miss Francine.

MISS FRANCINE
You did it?

PISSED DRIVER
Yeah, I did it.

Miss Francine gets extremely happy and hugs Pissed Driver.

MISS FRANCINE
I told you this would work.

PISSED DRIVER
Yeah, you did.

And they both start kissing and making out. Then…

MISS FRANCINE
What did you get?

PISSED DRIVER
Besides the car? Two expensive
suits and six grand in cash.

MISS FRANCINE
How much do you think we can get
for the car?

PISSED DRIVER
Well, taking into consideration the
smashed windshield and damaged
roof, I’d say... more than enough.

MISS FRANCINE
I love you so much.

PISSED DRIVER
I love you too.

And they kiss again.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Alright.
(gives Miss Francine
money)
Here. Go shopping.

MISS FRANCINE
(more than happy)
Thank you.

Pissed Driver goes to the Mercedes.

PISSED DRIVER
I better get the car to a safe
place before the police start
looking for it. I’ll see you
tonight, babe.

MISS FRANCINE
Okay. Hey, baby?

PISSED DRIVER
Yeah?

MISS FRANCINE
What did you do to Paul? You didn’t
hurt him did you?

Pissed Driver looks at Miss Francine for a moment. Then…

PISSED DRIVER
No.

MISS FRANCINE
(smiles)
Oh, okay.

PISSED DRIVER
Why?

MISS FRANCINE
No reason. I just asked.

Pissed Driver keeps staring at Miss Francine. Miss Francine gets a little nervous.

MISS FRANCINE (CONT'D)
What?

PISSED DRIVER
You planned this whole thing. You
wanted me to rob the son of a
bitch. And now, all of a sudden,
you’re concerned about his wellbeing?

MISS FRANCINE
(stutters)
I... I...

PISSED DRIVER
Are you fucking him?

MISS FRANCINE
What?

PISSED DRIVER
You heard me. Are you fucking him?

MISS FRANCINE
No!

Pissed Driver gets into the car and sits for a while. He’s thinking hard about something.

MISS FRANCINE (CONT'D)
Baby?

PISSED DRIVER
You’re lying to me.

Pissed Driver grabs the infamous baseball bat from the backseat and walks toward Miss Francine.

MISS FRANCINE
(terrified)
Baby, what are you doing?

PISSED DRIVER
You’re fucking him aren’t you?

MISS FRANCINE
No.

PISSED DRIVER
Don’t lie to me!

Pissed Driver pins Miss Francine against her car.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Are you fucking him?!

MISS FRANCINE
No.

Pissed Driver raises his bat, ready to swing it at Miss Francine. Miss Francine realizes her situation and starts crying.

PISSED DRIVER
Are you fucking him? Tell me the
truth!

MISS FRANCINE
(begging)
Baby, please.

PISSED DRIVER
Tell me the truth! Are you fucking
him?!

Miss Francine starts crying like a baby.

MISS FRANCINE
Baby...

PISSED DRIVER
Tell me! Say, yes! Say, yes! Tell
me the truth. Are you fucking him?!
Say, yes!

MISS FRANCINE
(gives in)
Yes! Yes!

PISSED DRIVER
Are you fucking him?!

MISS FRANCINE
(screams)
Yes! I’m fucking him! I’m fucking
him!

Miss Francine may have just wet herself. She cries uncontrollably. Pissed Driver, shocked himself, slowly calms down and lowers his bat.

PISSED DRIVER
That’s all you needed to tell me.
The truth.

Pissed Driver slowly walks to the Mercedes and sits on the hood.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
Just tell me the truth...
(beat)
...because the truth will set you
free.

Pissed Driver throws his bat into the car and gets in the car too.

PISSED DRIVER (CONT'D)
I never wanna see you again.

MISS FRANCINE
But baby, I love you.

PISSED DRIVER
Fuck yourself.

And Pissed Driver drives off, leaving Miss Francine there, crying alone.

INT. CAR - MORNING
Andrew comes to a traffic light at a crossroads. It’s YELLOW. Andrew slows down and stops. Paul, who notices what Andrew just did, is shocked.

PAUL
What the fuck are you doing?

ANDREW
What?

PAUL
You stopped the fucking car.

ANDREW
Yeah. So?

PAUL
Why the fuck did you stop the
fucking car?

ANDREW
It’s a red light, damn it!

PAUL
You stopped before it turned red.

ANDREW
That’s because it was yellow, you
fucking idiot.

PAUL
Who the fuck stops at a yellow
light?

ANDREW
Fuckers who do not want to get
killed in car crashes.

PAUL
Didn’t I tell you I was in a hurry?
This fucking light will take
forever to change.

ANDREW
Yellow means slow down and stop.
Have you ever been to driving
school before? Do you have a
fucking driver’s license? You don’t even
drive your own fucking car.

PAUL
Will you just shut the fuck up and
drive?

ANDREW
No!

PAUL
God! What the fuck will it take for
you to move the fucking car now?

ANDREW
What? You wanna fucking pay me?

PAUL
I’m a millionaire. Name your price.

Andrew looks hard at Paul, thinking. Then…

ANDREW
Alright. I’ll tell you what I want.

PAUL
What?

ANDREW
I want Frizz Delights.

PAUL
Frizz Delights?

ANDREW
That’s right. A whole year’s supply
of Frizz Delights. That’s what I
want.

PAUL
(extremely confused)
You want a year’s supply of mineral
water, in exchange of beating this
red light?

ANDREW
Exactly.

PAUL
I’m a millionaire.

ANDREW
Yeah, so?

PAUL
You’re a fucking idiot.

ANDREW
If that’s too much...

PAUL
...no. You got a deal. A year’s
supply of Frizz Delights. Just move
the fucking car now.

Andrew puts the car in gear.

ANDREW
Thank you fucking much.

Andrew drives just one metre to the front and BANG! A bigtruck hits the left side of the car, crushing it like an empty can of Coke. The truck stops. It’s the same Frizz Delight truck which picked up Underwear Man earlier. Truck Driver 1 and 2 get out of the truck and walk to the crushed car. There's blood on the windscreen and there is no movement whatsoever in the car.

TRUCK DRIVER 1
I think they’re dead.

TRUCK DRIVER 2
Don’t fuck with me, man. Look
carefully. I’m sure they’re fine.

TRUCK DRIVER 1
Fine? Look at all the fucking
blood.

Suddenly, Underwear Man, still a little dizzy, gets down from the truck.

UNDERWEAR MAN
Hey, what’s going on?

Truck Driver 1 and 2 turn to see Underwear Man.

TRUCK DRIVER 2
Nothing. Go back to sleep.

UNDERWEAR MAN
(notices the crushed car)
Is that a crushed car?

TRUCK DRIVER 2
(nervous)
No. What the fuck are you talking
about? You’re hallucinating.

Underwear Man sits on the ground. He looks like he’s about to faint again.

UNDERWEAR MAN
My head hurts.

Truck Driver 1 goes near Underwear Man.

TRUCK DRIVER 1
You’ve lost a lot of blood. We’re
gonna take you to a hospital.

UNDERWEAR MAN
Why is there a crushed car in front
of the truck?

TRUCK DRIVER 1
We had an accident.

TRUCK DRIVER 2
Shut the fuck up, man.

TRUCK DRIVER 1
You shut the fuck up. And call an
ambulance.

TRUCK DRIVER 2
I’m not calling anybody. I’m not
going to jail for this shit.

TRUCK DRIVER 1
You stupid fuck! We wouldn’t be in
this situation if you had listened
to me and slowed down at the
fucking yellow light!

TRUCK DRIVER 2
Fuck!

UNDERWEAR MAN
Where’s Mr. Frizfurry?

TRUCK DRIVER 1
Who?

UNDERWEAR MAN
My boss, Mr. Frizfurry.

TRUCK DRIVER 1
I don’t know, man. But I’m sure
he’s fine. Come on...
(helps Underwear Man get
up)
...let’s get you back in the truck.

Truck Driver 1 sees his friend, Truck Driver 2 walking around the crushed car with his hands on his head. He’s just nervous to death.

TRUCK DRIVER 1 (CONT'D)
Will you call the fucking
ambulance, for God’s sake?

Truck Driver 2 sits on the ground, staring at the crushed car.

TRUCK DRIVER 2
(almost in tears)
I’m sorry.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Andrew’s Mom is still watching TV. She looks at the clock.

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
Andrew’s Mom walks into the messy room. She sees the porn magazine on the bed and squirms. She then sits on the bed and looks at a few framed photos on the table next to the bed. She picks up a photo of a very young Andrew, smiling his heart out. Andrew’s Mom smiles the same way at the sight of the picture. She then hugs the photo and looks out the window, waiting for her precious son to return.
Then, the PHONE RINGS…
CUT TO BLACK.

THE END.

A Company of Pride

2010-03-25T13:45:00.001+08:00

This is a stage play I wrote for a competition which I didn’t win. This play is just my interpretation of how racism makes the world go round; not necessarily pleasing everyone in the process. We are, after all, always looking out for No.1

A Company of Pride

SCENE I, ACT I – HALL

(MR. GANAPATHY, a man in his forties, is standing behind a podium, a microphone in his hand. Facing him is a seated crowd of sixty five people. In that crowd: MOHAN, AZAD and NURUL; all in their late twenties.)

MR. GANAPATHY

Well, it’s been an exciting two weeks but your training cum job interview ends today. As promised, out of the sixty five of you here, five trainees will be offered a permanent position in our firm. The rest of you need not fret as you will be in our KIV list for future openings. These are the five chosen ones, in no particular order: Faisal, Zainal, Jamal, Mohan and Nurul. Congratulations to the five of you. We’ll be seeing you again next Monday. Dear trainees, it was a great pleasure having all of you here.

(Mr. Ganapathy exits the stage. The crowd begins chattering amongst themselves. Both Azad and Nurul stand up. As Azad hurriedly exits the stage, he bumps into Nurul.)

NURUL

Bodoh lah.

(Azad exits without saying a word. Nurul, spawning a tiny smile on her face, walks over to Mohan and shakes his hand.)

NURUL

Congrats, Mohan.

MOHAN

Congratulations to you too, Nurul.

NURUL

I dah agak you mesti dapat this job.

MOHAN

Why would you agak something like that?

NURUL

You’re the only non-Malay in this bunch. You must have seen this coming.

MOHAN

You don’t really believe that, do you?

(Nurul smiles sheepishly at Mohan, who smiles back.)

SCENE I, ACT II - ENCIK HAMID’S OFFICE

(ENCIK HAMID, a man in his mid-fifties, is seated behind his desk. Azad is facing him, standing, and very upset.)

ENCIK HAMID

Apa yang kamu sedang merepek ni, Azad?

AZAD

Encik Hamid, Hindu tu...

ENCIK HAMID

Azad, watch your mouth.

AZAD

(sighs)

That Mohan... dia masuk firm ni baru dua minggu. He has no experience whatsoever in the way things are run here. Many of us, including me, have been your apprentice for almost a year. Pengalaman kami jauh berlambak daripada dia. We’re a zillion times better than him. But somehow dia boleh jadi top five, while the rest of us are now just names on your substitute list. What the hell is going on, Encik Hamid?

ENCIK HAMID

Kamu pernah terfikir tak that maybe the young man has worked hard and smart to get this job?

AZAD

Oh, bullshit lah.

ENCIK HAMID

I will not hesitate to send you out that door if you use that kind of language with me again.

AZAD

Encik Hamid, you weren’t there during the two weeks training. You don’t know him like we do. That Mohan is a phony. Dia tu poyo. Bengap.

ENCIK HAMID

Azad, what are you getting at?

AZAD

I think Mr. Ganapathy is being too nice to him for very, very obvious reasons.

ENCIK HAMID

You’re making these assumptions simply because Mohan is the only non-Malay in the group.

AZAD

I’m making an official complaint, Encik Hamid. You have to do something about this.

ENCIK HAMID

I think we’re done here.

AZAD

Jangan menyesal nanti.

ENCIK HAMID

Saya sibuk sekarang. Would you please...?

(Azad stares hard at Encik Hamid before exiting the stage, clearly discontented.)

SCENE II, ACT II - HALL

(There’s still chattering among the crowd. Mohan and Nurul are still conversing. Azad enters and walks toward Mohan.)

AZAD

Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, sila ambil perhatian. I have an announcement to make.

MOHAN

What’s going on?

AZAD

Mohan, would you please stand up? We have some unresolved issues.

MOHAN

(standing up)

What unresolved issues?

(Mr. Ganapathy enters, looking confused.)

MR. GANAPATHY

Is there a problem here?

AZAD

Mr. Ganapathy, how nice of you to join us.

(addressing the crowd)

Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan. I know that you are all angry and upset about the atrocity that has taken place today. So I say, let us speak up and let them know that we are PISSED.

MR. GANAPATHY

What atrocity?

AZAD

Giving Mohan a job. That atrocity. He does not deserve to be working for this firm. It is the most mengarut thing ever. Everyone here has thought it. I’m just saying it out loud.

MR. GANAPATHY

You don’t have to be a sore loser. Have some dignity.

AZAD

Mr. Ganapathy talking about dignity? After what you’ve done?

MR. GANAPATHY

What are you talking about?

AZAD

Kami semua kat sini dah kerja macam kerbau siang dan malam trying for this job.

MOHAN

And what in the hell makes you think I didn’t?

AZAD

I’m not saying you didn’t. I said KAMI SEMUA, didn’t I? So, what makes you so special? Both you and I know there are others more qualified than you. I’m one of them. So my question is this: Kenapa gunakan sistem kuota dalam pemilihan ini, Mr. Ganapathy?

MR. GANAPATHY

You’re crossing the line.

AZAD

Admit it, Ganapathy. You only picked Mohan because he’s an Indian.

MR. GANAPATHY

How dare you suggest such a thing?

AZAD

Ah, sudah lah, Ganapathy. You can cut the crap now.

MR. GANAPATHY

I wasn’t the only one who chose Mohan. I’m part of a committee. A multi-racial committee which, without prejudice, picked five of the top performers without giving regard to race and religion.

AZAD

Spare me the Negaraku moment lah, macha.

MR. GANAPATHY

What did you call me, you racist son of a bitch?

AZAD

I’m the racist? You’re the bloody racist who can’t even buat keputusan yang adil dan saksama because skin colour dah butakan your bloody eyes.

MOHAN

Hey, you wanna talk about the quota system? Why are you looking at it from a racial point of view? Nurul is the only female among the five of us. You look me in the eyes and tell me she really deserves that spot. You can’t because you know as well as I do, that girl is a waste of spot.

NURUL

Mohan, what the hell?

MOHAN

But I guess you’ll never agree that this quota system, if there is one, is a gender based system because Nurul is a Melayu and you are a racist. Hipokrit.

NURUL

Mohan, you shut up.

AZAD

Nurul, kau jangan masuk campur.

NURUL

Kau pun shut up jugak lah, bodoh. Kenapa kau tak nak aku masuk campur? Because I don’t have dicks like you guys? Hey, Mohan. You ingat because I’m a Malay woman, I’m stupid is it?

MOHAN

I didn’t call you stupid. And it’s not because you’re a Malay woman. It’s because you’re a woman.

NURUL

Oh, well. I guess that makes everything better, doesn’t it? You sexist piece of shit.

MOHAN

I’m not a sexist. I was just trying to make a point.

NURUL

Do you know how hard it is being a woman in this country?

AZAD

Nurul, will you please tutup your yap hole? I’m trying to fight for our rights.

NURUL

To hell lah with your rights. The moment I saw Mohan on the first day, I knew this was going to happen. I absolutely agree with you, Azad. It IS unfair. But we’ve been doing this to them for ages. Don’t really fancy the taste of your own medicine, eh?

AZAD

What are you talking about?

NURUL

Oh, I give up. All men are bodoh.

(Nurul storms off.)

NURUL

See you on Monday, Mr. Ganapathy.

MR. GANAPATHY

Uh, yeah. Okay.

(Nurul exits the stage.)

MOHAN

Look. If this is how you guys really feel, then I quit. I tak nak perbesarkan benda ni lagi. I’ve had enough. Mr. Ganapathy, you can give my spot to someone else.

MR. GANAPATHY

Excuse me? Don’t tell me what to do, Mohan. I’ve made my decision. Azad, I suggest you leave the premises before I call security.

AZAD

I’m not leaving until I get some kind of keadilan.

MR. GANAPATHY

I know politicians who could be a great deal of help to you, Azad. SECURITY!

(Security officers enter.)

MR. GANAPATHY

Please show Tok Janggut here the way out.

(Security officers grab Azad by his arms and begin to drag him off stage. Azad is struggling to release himself from their clutches.)

AZAD

Ini tak adil. MELAYU BOLEH! MELAYU BOLEH!

(The security officers and Azad exit the stage as Mohan, Mr. Ganapathy and everyone else look in disbelief.)

SCENE I, ACT III - MR. GANAPATHY’S OFFICE

(Mr. Ganapathy and Mohan enter. Mr. Ganapathy takes an envelope from his desk and passes it to Mohan.)

MR. GANAPATHY

Your appointment letter.

MOHAN

Thank you, Mr. Ganapathy.

(as he slowly walks to leave)

See you on Monday.

MR. GANAPATHY

Don’t ever do that again, Mohan.

MOHAN

(stops walking)

Do what?

MR. GANAPATHY

Back down. Give in. I didn’t go through so much trouble kissing ass and convincing my peers you deserve the job so that you could hand it back to them on a silver platter.

MOHAN

What are you talking about?

MR. GANAPATHY

Mohan, you’re one of the worst performers in this group of sixty five. You lack character. You lack confidence. You’re an idiot. Half of the time, I have no fucking clue to what you’re talking about. But still, to see one Indian competing against all those belacans and then having to reject that only Indian wasn’t acceptable. Not to me. You take this job and you act like you deserve it. You work hard and make us Indians proud.

(Mohan, dumbfounded, slowly exits the stage. Mr. Ganapathy sits behind his desk, leans back against his chair and starts whistling to the tune of ‘Jai Ho’.)

-END-

Conversations

2009-08-11T23:37:00.001+08:00

Conversations - in the format of a screenplay, adjusted to fit this blog - is an idea for a short movie that basically explores the idea that we humans are all somehow strangely 'connected' or 'linked' to one another. It also portrays the very common and underrated activity we humans do on a day to day basis: conversing.

Conversations

“JASON & BABY GIRL”

INT. JASON’S HOUSE / BABY GIRL’S HOUSE - DAY

THE FOLLOWING IS A PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO INDIVIDUALS IN TWO DIFFERENT HOUSES. WE INTERCUT BETWEEN BOTH HOUSES DURING THE CONVERSATION:

JASON, in his early 20s, is a scrawny but fairly attractive fellow. He is topless, looks terribly unkempt, and has gag-inducing shorts on him. BABY GIRL, looking about the same age as Jason, is a pretty little thing. The cute young woman is wearing a tight T-shirt and sweat pants. Jason is in the toilet, urinating. His left hand is holding his cell phone to his ear, while his right hand is helping him urinate in the right direction. Jason speaks at a considerably rapid and chaotic pace.

JASON
Baby, you’re freaking me out. I’m trying really hard not to black out here. My heart’s beating so fast I think I’m gonna have a heart attack. What is it with you? Huh? I thought I was making you happy. I thought we’re a happy pair. The Awesome Twosome. I’m just not getting this, baby. You gotta talk to me. I’m just not understanding this sudden bitterness that’s coming from you.

Baby Girl is in her very ‘girlish’ bedroom. She’s sitting on her bed and unlike Jason, her full concentration is on the conversation. Baby Girl seems frustrated and is eager to hang up the phone.

BABY GIRL
It’s over. I’ve had enough. I’m through with you. What don’t you understand about that? This relationship isn’t working for me, Jason. I want out.

Jason flushes and walks out of the toilet.

JASON
You’re telling me you want out. You’re telling me it’s over. You keep telling me what you want. But you’re not telling me why you want it. You can’t tell me it’s over without giving me a reason. Give me a reason, Baby Girl.

BABY GIRL
Jason, stop calling me Baby Girl. It’s so nauseating.

JASON
Is there someone else? Are you in love with another man?

BABY GIRL
For God’s sake.

JASON
There is someone else, huh? I knew it. What’s the fucker’s name? Give me his address. I’ll butcher his dick.

BABY GIRL
There’s no one else, Jason!

JASON
So, what the fuck? What’s your problem?

Baby Girl gets out of bed and walks to the window.

BABY GIRL
My problem is you, Jason. I’m fed-up and tired of you because all you wanna do is have sex.

JASON
Come again?

BABY GIRL
You wanna have sex with me all the time. All the time, Jason. I’m so sick of it. We’ve been together for only eight months now, but already, making love to you feels like a chore. Every time we do it, I’m so tempted to charge you for it. I feel like such a whore.

JASON
After all we’ve been through, this is your reason for wanting to split up with me? Just how did that zippy brain of yours manage to convince you that I wanna have sex with you all the time? All the time? What do I look like to you? A human dildo? Born to fuck? All the time? You are being so unfair. Understand this. I don’t wanna have sex with you all the time. That’s ridiculous. I just wanna have sex with you when I get to meet you.

BABY GIRL
It’s the same thing.

JASON
No, it’s not.

BABY GIRL
(frustrated)
Oh my God! Jason, this relationship, at some point in our eight months, was all about sex to you. We never get to talk. You never want us to talk.

JASON
That’s some bullshit you’re giving me. We always talk over the phone. We text each other. We chat online. We exchange e-mails. And then there was this time when you wanted us to write each other love letters. That was some weird shit, baby. But I did it anyway cause you wanted me to. We talk so frequently, we should have our own talk show. For crying out loud, we’re talking right now! And when we actually find the time to meet up, we have to keep talking?

BABY GIRL
I would like to have a face to face conversation with you, Jason.

JASON
Baby, why do you think I got us those webcams?

BABY GIRL
To have online sex?

Jason is stumped. He hesitates...

JASON
Well, that was my initial intention. But...

BABY GIRL
Jason, stop it. I’ve had enough. I’m done talking to you.

JASON
Baby Girl, just hear me out, alright? Just listen to what I have to say.

BABY GIRL
This conversation is over.

And with that, Baby Girl hangs up. She lets out a big sigh, glad it’s over.
Jason looks at his phone and gets really mad.

JASON
Fucking bitch!

Jason dials. Baby Girl’s phone rings. She ignores it. The phone keeps ringing for a moment, then stops. Just as Baby Girl gets ready to get on with her life, the phone rings again. She tries ignoring it, but it keeps ringing. Annoyed, Baby Girl furiously answers the phone.

BABY GIRL
Stop calling me, Jason. This is getting too pathetic, even for you.

JASON
Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Tell me, Baby Girl. Was wanting to have sex so wrong to you?

BABY GIRL
(frustrated)
Oh, Jason. Stop it.

JASON
Was it such a crime to take pleasure in making sweet sweet love to you? Tell me, Baby. Was it so wrong to wanna intertwine with the girl I loved deeply? Was it?

BABY GIRL
(sighs)
No, but...

JASON
Honestly, I don’t think you wanting to talk to me is wrong either. Putting aside all the things I’ve said earlier, I really do understand your need to communicate with me.

BABY GIRL
(very insincere)
Well, that’s good.

JASON
So why am I the one at wrong here? Why am I the bastard? Both of us want something out of this relationship and I have to pay for the consequences?

Baby Girl lets out a big sigh and slowly bumps her head on the wall a few times. She cannot take it anymore.

JASON (CONT'D)
We can be reasonable. Let’s think rationally. Let’s not make hasty decisions we’ll regret in the future. Okay? I agree with you. We should talk in person more often. I absolutely agree with you and I’m sorry I didn’t realize that early on.

BABY GIRL
Jason...

JASON
And we don’t have to have sex every time we meet.

BABY GIRL
(doubting)
Really?

JASON
Yes, of course! I’d be more than happy with just a blowjob.

BABY GIRL
You fucking idiot!

JASON
I’m being very fucking reasonable, alright?

[From this point on, we don’t CUT back to Jason. We stick to Baby Girl]

BABY GIRL
You just don’t get it do you? It’s always...

JASON (V.O.)
Hey!

BABY GIRL
What?

JASON (V.O.)
Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my house?

BABY GIRL
Jason?

JASON (V.O.)
Hey, what the fuck?!

And the line goes dead. Baby Girl is perplexed for a moment. She keeps staring at her phone. A couple of seconds later, she chucks the phone on her bed and opens a drawer next to the bed. She takes out a picture of her and Jason, looking miraculously happy together. Baby Girl gapes at the picture for a moment before RIPPING it apart.

“VINCENT & DANIEL”

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

THE FOLLOWING IS A FACE TO FACE CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO INDIVIDUALS IN THE SAME RESTAURANT.

The restaurant is a typical Malaysian restaurant. Not too clean and not too filthy; never too loud and never too quiet; never too crowded and never too vacuous. VINCENT and DANIEL are best buddies both in their late 20s. Typical looking young men, they’re dressed casually and healthy looking. As human beings, they seem almost perfect. Almost. Vincent is the more domineering between the two, with his rugged attitude. Daniel on the other hand, with his smooth clean-shaven face balances the equation by being more courteous and modest. Both men are sitting at a table facing each other. They were having lunch but are done now. Plates are empty and they’re experiencing the aftermath of a heavy meal; like a hangover, only more pleasant. Vincent and Daniel were in the middle of a conversation we know nothing about, and Daniel suddenly decides to change the subject.

DANIEL
Did you get the e-mail I forwarded you last night?

VINCENT
Which e-mail? Be specific. You forward me a hundred dozen e-mails a day.

DANIEL
I don’t send you a hundred dozen e-mails.

VINCENT
Every night I check, there’ll be like; 150 fucking unread messages in my inbox. And 149 of them will be from your ass.

DANIEL
You see what you’re doing?

VINCENT
What?

DANIEL
You’re dramatizing a completely common and typical activity. You’re a drama king. Freaking Britney Spears.

VINCENT
It’s not only e-mails, you know? It’s also those forwarded text messages I receive on my phone. I mean it’s like... why the fuck? What is it that gives your kinky ass pleasure in forwarding?

DANIEL
You got it all wrong. It’s not about pleasuring my kinky ass. Forwarding is about pleasuring others. When I get forwarded mails or text messages that excite me or make me happy, I tend to forward them to all my contacts to spread the joy. It’s become a habit. And it’s a habit I like having.

VINCENT
Junkie.

DANIEL
Look, don’t tell me you hate getting the smut mails I forward you.

VINCENT
Smut mails are different. Smut mails are different because those are the kind of mails that wet my undies.

DANIEL
Disgusting.

VINCENT
I welcome anything that’s of a smutty nature with open arms. I will also admit that I do sometimes, occasionally enjoy e-mails or text messages with harebrained jokes in it. (Getting serious) However, I loathe intensely ones with those fucking anecdotes that take a cheap shot at trying to instill a valuable lesson in me. It’s like... I actually take the time to read that shit - which is a fucking miracle in itself - and I’m expecting an excellent pay-off at the end. Like a kick ass punchline or a shocker like “The-Sixth-Sense-Oh-My-God-Bruce-Willis-Is-Dead” shit. And all I get is a piece of shit moral of the story which - first and foremost - gives me no kind of sexual stimulation. And second of all - and this is the most aggravating part - the moral of the story is always so true and obvious that I end up thinking, ‘I know this shit. I don’t need a stupid e-mail to teach me about life.’ It’s very belittling.

DANIEL
They’re just reminding you so you don’t forget. People, humans... we forget about the important things in life. We’re all so absorbed with trying to satisfy our material needs that sometimes we need to be reminded that there’s more to life than money and sex.

Vincent stares at Daniel for a moment.

VINCENT
Fuck that, man. You’re weird.

DANIEL
I’m unique. Choose your adjective wisely.

Vincent, obviously stressed out, casually takes out a cigarette and lights it. Daniel sees this and reacts.

DANIEL (CONT’D)
What are you doing?

VINCENT
What does it look like I’m doing?

DANIEL
Vincent, how many times do I have to tell you? Don’t light that shit when I’m around.

VINCENT
Stop being such a pansy. It’s so fucking irritating.

DANIEL
I’m telling you, one of these days, because of people like you, I’m gonna die of lung cancer or asthma.

Vincent inhales deeply and blows out the smoke. He’s truly enjoying the sensation the cigarette is giving him.

VINCENT
Let me tell you something, Daniel. This whole, ‘passive smoker’, ‘secondhand smoke’ thing is a myth. A lie, made up by anti-smoking people like you to oppress cool people like me. It’s all just fucking bullshit.

DANIEL
Like global warming?

VINCENT
(dead serious)
Hey, you watch your mouth. Global warming is real. It is an undeniable phenomenon.

DANIEL
Let me ask you something. While you’re smoking that, do you know how many types of chemicals you’re inhaling into your lungs?

VINCENT
Look, my dad’s been smoking since he was sixteen. The guy’s pushing fifty now and there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s healthy as a horse. Now, his father was smoking for more than sixty fucking years and he died of lung cancer at the age of 86.

DANIEL
Smoking causes lung cancer, you genius.

VINCENT
That’s not the point, fucker. The point is...

DANIEL
(interrupting)
Don’t call me a fucker.

VINCENT
(ignoring Daniel)
The point is, he died when he was 86, at the age when people are supposed to die. I bet if he was still alive today and listened to you whining, he’d call you a fucker.

DANIEL
I have a health magazine in my car. There’s an article on the hazards of smoking. There are pictures... very disturbing pictures showing what smoking can do to your body. I’m talking hardcore shit that’ll give you nightmares.

VINCENT
What the hell kind of a health magazine has disturbing pictures like that? I always thought health magazines had nice pictures like doctors handing out lollypops to little kids holding sunflowers.

DANIEL
Why would there be pictures of little kids holding sunflowers in a health magazine?

VINCENT
I don’t know! I just thought!

DANIEL
These bona fide pictures are extremely brutal.

VINCENT
(lost in his own thought)
Health magazines. My God, I’ve been missing out.

DANIEL
Are you listening to a word I’m saying?

VINCENT
Daniel, I’ve seen those pictures before. Those disturbing images come with the cigarette packs I buy everyday. I’m not saying smoking does nothing to your body. I know what it can do. I’m not naive. All I’m saying is... some smokers are just unlucky. Alright? But me? I’m a fortunate little fucker.

DANIEL
(giving up)
Whatever you say, man.

VINCENT
Look, for me, this thing...
(showing his cigarette)
...is godsend. And I’m saying that because I know how good it makes me feel. You have no fucking clue because you’re a pansy who won’t even take a puff.

DANIEL
I don’t need that shit to make me feel good.

VINCENT
That’s what you say now.

Vincent takes out a fresh cigarette and places it on the table.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Go ahead. Try it. It’s on me.

DANIEL
You gotta be kidding me.

VINCENT
No, I’m not. Light it and smoke it. Try to understand what I’m talking about.

DANIEL
I’m sorry, my friend. I don’t succumb to peer pressure. I’m too sharp and grown up for that.

VINCENT
Alright. You don’t have to smoke that right now. I have a better idea. Tonight, when we go drinking, after like, three jugs of beer, you smoke this. I promise you, the high that you’ll get... fucking awesome, like nobody’s business.

DANIEL
Vincent, this conversation is over. I’m gonna go to my car and get that magazine and I’m gonna show you what happens to people who smoke.

VINCENT
Go! Go get that fucking magazine. I’ll see those fucking pictures while I smoke profusely.

Daniel leaves the table and starts heading for his car which is, from what we can tell, is across the street. We then stay with Vincent and focus only on him. He takes a few puff while he watches Daniel.
[We don’t get to see Daniel anymore]
Suddenly, we hear tyres screeching, a car engine revving... like someone’s driving recklessly. Vincent looks worried. Then...

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Daniel!!!

We hear: CRASH!!! And tyres screeching as if it’s coming to a halt.

VINCENT (CONT’D)
Daniel!!! No!!!

Vincent runs out of frame, screaming Daniel’s name as he does. We then hear the tyres screeching again, and the engine revving as if it’s speeding off.

“SPENDTHRIFT & SMART ASS”

EXT. STREET / CAR WORKSHOP - DAY

THE FOLLOWING IS A FACE TO FACE CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE IN THE SAME AUTO SHOP.

We’re on a motorbike. We’re moving pretty fast through a busy street; overtaking cars and other bikes. It looks rather exciting. The bike then slows down and enters a car workshop. Now, we see the guy on the bike. He is SPENDTHRIFT, in his late 20s/early 30s. His clothes suggest that he probably works at the workshop. Already at the workshop and busy fixing a car is SMART ASS. Looking around the same age as Spendthrift, Smart Ass is all messy and greasy. Spendthrift gets off his bike, looking rather upset.

SMART ASS
You’re late, asshole.

SPENDTHRIFT
I know I’m late. I have a watch.

SMART ASS
The fat guy from the post office is gonna be here to get his car. When he finds out you’re not done with it, he’s gonna turn this place upside down. And when he’s finished, I’m gonna kick you in the balls.

SPENDTHRIFT
I’ll get it done, asshead. It’s no big deal. Stop fucking harassing me and leave me alone.

SMART ASS
Hey, what’s with the hostility?

SPENDTHRIFT
I’m being hostile? You’re the one who wants to kick me in the fucking balls.

SMART ASS
Dude... what’s up with you? You’re venting out some very negative vibes. I can feel it in my bones.

SPENDTHRIFT
I’m just so pissed off.

SMART ASS
About what?

SPENDTHRIFT
You remember loaning me fifty yesterday?

SMART ASS
Yeah.

SPENDTHRIFT
Well, I don’t have it anymore.

SMART ASS
Am I supposed to be impressed? You want me to clap?

SPENDTHRIFT
I just don’t understand why shit has to always happen to me?

SMART ASS
Uh... it’s called spendthrift. Look it up the dictionary. It means someone who tends to spend money extravagantly.

SPENDTHRIFT
I didn’t spend the money. I gave it away.

SMART ASS
Gave it to whom?

SPENDTHRIFT
A couple of cops.

SMART ASS
Why? What happened?

SPENDTHRIFT
I knew I was running late, right? So I took this short cut which was through this construction area. The path was so fucked up, it looked like a fucking war zone. And I’m not talking Israel vs Palestine kind of war. I’m talking The Matrix, Terminator: Humans vs Machines kind of war. But I went in anyway. I kept speeding and I was back on the main road and was just two minutes away from here. But there was just one thing standing between me and this place.

SMART ASS
Which was?

SPENDTHRIFT
A fucking red light.

SMART ASS
Oh, I hate that. I hate it when that happens. Don’t tell me the timer was at 99.

SPENDTHRIFT
The timer was at 99.

SMART ASS
You must have been pissed.

SPENDTHRIFT
I was furious. And the worst part is, the road was practically empty. I just don’t get why a light is even there.

SMART ASS
Did you do what I think you did?

SPENDTHRIFT
Hey, I did what any sane person would have done.

SMART ASS
You beat the red light.

SPENDTHRIFT
I beat the fucking red light. I’m telling you, the cops... they came out of nowhere. It’s as if they appeared out of thin air.

SMART ASS
They always do, those bastards. So, they gave you a summons?

SPENDTHRIFT
Oh, they were threatening to. One of them was giving me the ‘how expensive it was gonna be to pay the summons’ speech.

SMART ASS
We all know what that speech means.

SPENDTHRIFT
They didn’t really wanna give me a summons. They just wanted money for lunch. All I had on me was that fifty you gave me last night. And now I don’t have it anymore.

SMART ASS
You know, the way I see it, you got nothing to complain about. If he wrote you that ticket, you would have had to fork out hundreds. Those nice policemen, like it or not, did you a favour.

SPENDTHRIFT
I’m just so frustrated. They’re supposed to uphold the law and protect the innocent. Not extort us.

SMART ASS
Alright, first of all... you’re not innocent. Second of all, I don’t think they extorted you. I’m pretty sure they let you make your own choice. Truth be told, they were nice enough to give you a choice at all.

SPENDTHRIFT
I bribed two police officers because I ran the red light. I broke the law twice in less than five minutes. I’m so disgusted with myself, I feel like throwing myself in jail.

SMART ASS
Stop being so dramatic.

SPENDTHRIFT
And you know what was so ironic about the whole thing? They had this big, in your face sticker at the back of their police car saying, ‘PLEASE DON’T BRIBE ME’. They even had those words written on a little badge they wear on their uniform. You know, I’m handing him the money, and my eyes are zooming in on that badge and I’m like... Whoa! This is some sick shit that’s happening right now.

SMART ASS
You know what those stickers and badges remind me of? The ‘DON’T FEED THE ANIMALS’ signs you see in zoos.

SPENDTHRIFT
Exactly what I was thinking.

SMART ASS
And I don’t even know who should be embarrassed about this. Us or them?

SPENDTHRIFT
You know, I keep wondering about one thing.

SMART ASS
What’s that?

SPENDTHRIFT
Female cops. Do you think they take bribes too?

SMART ASS
Good question.

While Smart Ass thinks about this, he continues working on his car. Spendthrift notices a white Honda Civic. We never see the front part of the car though.

SPENDTHRIFT
(pointing at the white car)
When did that come in?

SMART ASS
Half an hour ago.

Spendthrift approaches the front part of the car, which is out of our sight. He looks at it.

SPENDTHRIFT
An accident?

SMART ASS
That’s what the guy said. He wants it fixed in two days.

SPENDTHRIFT
(carefully checking the damage)
Is that blood? Looks like blood.

SMART ASS
The guy said he hit a cat.

SPENDTHRIFT
He hit a cat? Was that cat six feet tall and made out of concrete? I mean... look at the damage. If a fucking cat really did do this, I’m gonna exterminate every feline I see.

SMART ASS
It’s pretty obvious the guy’s bull shitting. I wouldn’t be surprised if the cat he was talking about is actually a dead man who’s in a morgue somewhere now. He was intoxicated.

SPENDTHRIFT
Intoxicated means drunk, right?

SMART ASS
Yes, intoxicated means drunk.

SPENDTHRIFT
It’s ten in the fucking morning.

SMART ASS
You know what? I think the guy wasn’t wearing a watch. Maybe he lost track of time.

SPENDTHRIFT
Very funny, smart ass.

Smart Ass smiles sheepishly and continues working on the car he was fixing. Spendthrift keeps staring at the damaged white car. Then...

SPENDTHRIFT (CONT’D)
Hey, can I borrow another fifty?

SMART ASS
Let me see. Can I get Eva Mendes to suck my dick?

Spendthrift just stares at Smart Ass.

SMART ASS (CONT'D)
I didn’t think so.

SPENDTHRIFT
Oh, come on.

SMART ASS
This conversation is over.

“MR. RED & MR. GREEN”

I/E. CAR / HOUSE - DAY

THE FOLLOWING IS A FACE TO FACE CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO INDIVIDUALS IN THE SAME CAR.

The CAR looks run-of-the-mill. Not too luxurious, not too shabby. Engine is turned off, windows are down. The car is in park. Two men are seated in the car, up front: MR. RED and MR. GREEN. Mr. Red is 31 years old. The man is wearing a red coloured t-shirt (thus the name) and silky black slacks, and he’s chewing gum. Mr. Green is 29 years old. He’s wearing a green coloured t-shirt (thus the name) and silky black slacks. Mr. Green has a bag on his lap and the bag is full of pornographic DVD. He takes out one and checks it.

MR. GREEN
The Thai girls in this DVD are to die for. Cute little bitches. Keyword: little. They’re so small you can carry them anywhere. Portable pussy.

Mr. Green lets out a big laugh, proud of his lewd joke.

MR. RED
I hate Thai porn. Thailand pornographies are dull. There’s just no zest in their sex. It’s as if they’re fucking for charity or something.

MR. GREEN
(laughs)
Fucking for charity?

MR. RED
Americans make good porn. Those men and women know what they’re doing. It doesn’t matter if they’re really enjoying the sex. They might not really. But they manage to create this illusion on screen as if they’re having the best fuck ever.

MR. GREEN
Have you ever watched Indian porn?

MR. RED
Once.

MR. GREEN
I’m telling you, those bastards should be shot to death for the shit they make.

MR. RED
But you know who makes the best porn?

MR. GREEN
The Japanese?

MR. RED
(nodding in full agreement)
The Japanese. Sex is their game and they play it like the pros. These guys don’t just come out and fuck and say, “Adios”.

MR. GREEN
You mean, “Sayonara”.

MR. RED
What-the-fuck-ever. I’m trying to explain something to you.

MR. GREEN
Carry on.

MR. RED
The Japanese are the kinkiest, twisted, most perverted human beings I have ever seen. They manage to come up with the weirdest shit. Sometimes, with the Japanese, I don’t feel like I’m watching porn. I feel like I’m witnessing a mind-blowing work of art. Imagine Leonardo Da Vinci’s Monalisa... sucking five dicks... in the Taj Mahal... and the Queen of England is cheering them on. That’s Japanese porn. And the way they fuck, the way they make love... when they engage in the most fantastic course in the universe...

MR. GREEN
(interrupting)
Intercourse?

MR. RED
Yes, intercourse. Thank you for interrupting again.

MR. GREEN
Sorry.

MR. RED
When they make love, it’s so sensuous and delicate. They’re so absorbed that nothing else in the world around them matters. All they care about is giving pleasure to one another. And that my friend is the most beautiful thing in the world.

MR. GREEN
You have got to be fucking kidding me.

MR. RED
Hey, you got something to say about the Japanese... talk to the Japanese.

MR. GREEN
Well, if there’s one thing I love about Japanese women, it’s their boobs. Nice tits.

MR. RED
I don’t care much about breasts. I prefer to engross myself with a woman’s ass.

MR. GREEN
Really?

MR. RED
Most men don’t realize this, but we’re all more into ass than breasts.

MR. GREEN
You sure about that?

MR. RED
Let me ask you something. You see a hot babe passing by and your depraved little mind decides you should check her out. Where do your eyes automatically go to?

MR. GREEN
(nods, realizing)
Her ass.

MR. RED
Exactly.

Mr. Red gives Mr. Green a shrewd smile. All Mr. Green can do is chuckle. Mr. Green continues checking the rest of the DVD in the bag. Mr. Red watches him.

MR. RED (CONT’D)
I don’t understand why you buy porn.

MR. GREEN
I buy porn because I wanna watch porn.

MR. RED
That’s my point exactly. Why is it that you have the need to watch porn?

MR. GREEN
Don’t talk to me as if you don’t watch porn, you fucking hypocrite.

MR. RED
I do watch them. But you and me, we’re different individuals. We lead different lives.

MR. GREEN
What the hell are you talking about?

MR. RED
I’m a single man. You’re married... and you’re a father.

MR. GREEN
If there’s something you’re trying to tell me... it’s not registering in my head.

MR. RED
Will you tell me why you have the need to watch porn?

MR. GREEN
The same reason you watch porn. To blow off some steam.

MR. RED
But don’t you have your wife for that. Have sex with her to blow off steam.

MR. GREEN
What the fuck?

MR. RED
I’m just saying... wouldn’t it hurt your wife if she knew you were watching porn behind her back? How would she feel?

MR. GREEN
This is a stupid conversation.

MR. RED
You know I’m right.

MR. GREEN
No, you’re not right. You know nothing to be right. Being married isn’t as simple as you think.

MR. RED
Don’t try to justify yourself with stupid retorts.

MR. GREEN
Damn it! I don’t watch porn behind her back. I watch it with her. Alright? We both enjoy a little on screen sex before going in for the real thing. It turns us on. There! I’ve said it. You happy now? I just exposed my private life to you, fucking paparazzi.

MR. RED
(somewhat sickened)
Your wife enjoys porn?

MR. GREEN
Hey! Don’t talk about her like that. Do not say another word about my wife.

MR. RED
Alright. I’m sorry.

MR. GREEN
She’s a sweet lady. A good wife. A wonderful mother.

MR. RED
I know.

MR. GREEN
There’s nothing wrong in wanting to spice up our sex life. Okay? You’re just shocked we do this because we’re Asians. If we were Americans, you probably wouldn’t have given a shit.

MR. RED
True. You do make a good point.

A moment of silence.

MR. RED (CONT'D)
Have you two ever thought of having a threesome?

MR. GREEN
You son of a bitch!

MR. RED
(laughing)
I was kidding.

MR. GREEN
Never ever step foot in my house again.

MR. RED
Oh, come on.

Mr. Green puts the bag of DVD away and opens the glove compartment. He takes out a WOODEN BOX.

MR. RED (CONT'D)
You’re just so fucking sensitive.

Mr. Green opens the box to reveal TWO GUNS and TWO SILENCERS.

MR. GREEN
Sensitive? You just asked for my permission to screw my wife.
(hands a gun and a silencer to Mr. Red)
How is it that my reaction to that labels me as sensitive?

Both Mr. Green and Mr. Red attach the silencers to their guns.

MR. RED
(yelling)
I was fucking kidding!

MR. GREEN
This conversation is over.

MR. RED
For now.

Mr. Green stares at Mr. Red.

MR. RED (CONT'D)
Fine. If it’s over, it’s over.

Both men get out of their cars. Only now do we get to see where the car has been parked all this while: in front of a HOUSE, across the street. Mr. Red and Mr. Green walk towards the house.

MR. RED (CONT'D)
Just for the record, I’m very unhappy with this client. This is one rotten assignment.

MR. GREEN
I know. But what can you do? You can’t expect everyone to afford our standard fee.

MR. RED
We’re professionals. This is bullshit.

MR. GREEN
(stressing)
He just lost his best friend and he’s raging. Give him a break.

Mr. Red and Mr. Green jump over the fence/gate and into the porch. The WHITE HONDA CIVIC is parked there. Mr. Red checks the car, peeks through the window and checks the interior.

MR. RED
Car’s clean.

Mr. Green goes to the door and tries opening it. It’s unlocked.

MR. GREEN
It’s open. No one just gives a shit about security anymore.

Both men are now inside the house. We can hear a male voice speaking.

JASON (O.S.)
Yes, of course! I’d be more than happy with just a blowjob.

As Mr. Red and Mr. Green progress further into the house, they see Jason, without a shirt on and with his crappy shorts, talking on the phone.

JASON (CONT'D)
I’m being very fucking reasonable, alright?

MR. RED
Dei, macha!

Jason turns and gets the shock of his life when he sees two strangers in his house.

JASON
Hey!

Mr. Red approaches Jason. Mr. Green coolly walks to the TV cabinet.

JASON (CONT'D)
Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my house?

Mr. Red snatches the phone from Jason’s hand.

JASON (CONT'D)
Hey, what the fuck?!

Mr. Red switches the phone off and drops it on the floor.

JASON (CONT'D)
What the hell are you doing?

Mr. Red takes out his gun. Jason is shocked to see the gun, he almost gets a heart attack.

JASON (CONT'D)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

MR. RED
Shut up.

JASON
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

MR. RED
I said shut the fuck up, cock sucker!

Jason stands still, in shock.

MR. RED (CONT'D)
What’s your name?

JASON
I... I...

MR. RED
What’s your fucking name, asshole?

JASON
(trembling)
My, my... my name is Jason.

MR. RED
Can I see some identification, please?

JASON
What?

MR. RED
Show me your MyKad you fucking idiot!

Jason rushes to the coffee table and rummages for his wallet amidst the mess of crap on it. Mr. Green is going through Jason’s DVD collection.

MR. GREEN
My Best Friend’s Wedding... Miss Congeniality... The entire first season of Grey’s Anatomy... What a pussy.

JASON
They’re my girlfriends’.

Mr. Green, enraged, hurls the DVDs toward Jason.

MR. GREEN
Do not engage in a conversation with me! I am not here to fucking chit chat with you! The man asked for your MyKad. Give him your MyKad!

Jason finds his wallet, pulls out his MyKad and hands it to Mr. Red. Mr. Red studies it carefully.

MR. GREEN (CONT’D)
Identity confirmed?

MR. RED
Identity confirmed.

MR. GREEN
Awesome. Now lets get this show on the road.

Mr. Red aims his gun directly at Jason’s forehead and cocks it. Mr. Green takes out his cellphone and starts recording. Jason’s eyes become teary. He is so scared; he might pass out any second.

JASON
Why are you doing this?

MR. RED
Jason, I’m going to ask you one simple question. All you have to do is answer it truthfully. Alright?

JASON
But...

MR. RED
No buts Jason. After this, all I wanna hear from you is a yes or a no. Is that understood?

JASON
Yes.

MR. RED
Good boy. Are you ready for the question? Remember. Just be honest. Yes?

JASON
Yes.

MR. RED
Okay. On the 27th of August 2008, you were driving under the influence of alcohol and hit a young man with your car and killed him. True or false?

Jason keeps quiet. Hesitates to answer. He’s shaking.

MR. RED (CONT’D)
Take your time and relax. Just think it through before answering.

JASON
Yes.

MR. RED
What’s that?

JASON
Yes.

MR. RED
Yes? Is that your final answer?

JASON
Yes.

MR. RED
(nods respectfully)
That was very brave of you. Admitting to such a horrendous act.

JASON
Thank you.

And with that Mr. Red blows Jason’s brains out with his gun.

MR. RED
You’re welcome.

MR. GREEN
Look, his fingers are twitching. That’s like the tenth time I’ve seen that happen. Why do you think they do that?

MR. RED
Can’t you be cool for just like one second? We’re assassins for fuck’s sake.

“THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER”

EXT. NASI KANDAR RESTAURANT - DAY

Vincent walks out of the restaurant with a pack of cigarettes in his hand. He walks toward his car. As he opens the door, he notices something on the windshield. It’s an ENVELOPE. Vincent looks around while reaching for the envelope. From inside the envelope, Vincent pulls out several PHOTOS of Jason’s dead body with a pool of blood around it. There’s even one photo with MR. GREEN kneeling by the dead body, looking at the camera and giving a thumbs up with a huge smile on his face. Together with the photos, is a DVD. Written on it, with a black CD marker, are the words, “FOR YOUR EYES ONLY”. Vincent puts the photos and the DVD back into the envelope and gets into the car. He chucks the envelope on the passenger seat next to him. Vincent takes out a cigarette, lights it and smokes it.

VINCENT
(looking at the heavens)
That puff was for you, buddy. Rest in peace.

He starts the car and drives away.

“CONVERSATIONS”

The King

2009-06-06T02:52:00.000+08:00

This is a short story I wrote a few years back. It is about a man, so frustrated with the decay of this world, that he decides it is time for him to take over and rule the world. The problem is, he is imprisoned in an institution for the mentally-ill. I truly believe that there is a 'King' in all of us, frustrated and has had enough and feels compelled to do something to help this world, but is unable to do so.

The King

‘Dear God,’ I said, ‘if you were to let me live long enough, I promise to make this world as beautiful and quiet as it used to be. The way you made it to exist.’ ‘Dear God,’ I uttered quietly again, ‘if you were to let me live long enough, I promise to rule this planet and its people fairly, honestly and sincerely. The way you would.’

I then slowly closed my eyes, wishing, hoping and praying that after I have dreamt beautiful dreams, I would wake up to a whole new world. A world where there would be peace and beauty. A world where laughter would be the only language people spoke. A world where I would be king.

That was how I used to go to sleep every night. But I have not prayed to God for the past twenty four months. I have not prayed because I am afraid that I might lose my faith in Him. He still has not answered my prayers. He still has not given me answers. He still has not spoken to me. Instead, He sends and keeps me enslaved in an asylum for the insane. I have been incarcerated for two years. I scream and bleed everyday to prove my sanity. I have not prayed to God because I am afraid that I might detest Him.

‘How are you feeling today?’ Doctor Gustav would ask me every morning after I wake up from a horrible sleep of nightmares. I seldom answer his juvenile and gratuitous questions. But when I am coerced to retort, I simply say, ‘I do not belong here, doctor. I am your King. I do not wish to command you. Instead, I am degrading my regal authority and pleading you to set me free.’ With a ridiculous and phony smile, he would touch my shoulder and reply, ‘That’s great. More medicines for you.’

How I pity these fragile beings. They tread around me not realizing that one day they will kneel before me. They speak to me not realizing that one day they will fear me. Only God knows how fretfully I wait for the day I am to be crowned King. The wars must come to an end. Children should cease the shedding of their tears over purposeless deaths. There shall not be a stench of politics on this planet. Weapons should remain extinct for the rest of the human lives. Only God knows how fretfully I wait.

I opened my eyes. A new day, and I was still in confinement. Doctor Gustav was standing before me. ‘How are you feeling today?’ he asked. I did not answer. I did not utter a word. ‘Do you know what day it is today?’ he asked again. I remained silent. ‘Today is your birthday,’ he said. ‘Your wife is here to see you.’

My wife, Malena would be the most exquisite Queen when I am crowned. She would be my seraph and we would rule this world together with eternal love for each other.

‘Happy birthday,’ Malena wished as she delicately laid a kiss on my forehead.

‘Thank you,’ I said in a quiet voice.

‘I brought you a box of chocolates. You still love chocolate don’t you?’

I nodded.

‘Doctor Gustav will pass them to you later,’ she said.

‘Okay.’

‘Well, how are you?’

I did not answer. I did not even gaze at her.

‘Doctor Gustav tells me that you don’t scream at nights anymore. I’m very proud of you. But he also tells me that you won’t stop cutting yourself.’

‘I have to,’ I looked precisely into her blue eyes.

‘Have to what? Bleed yourself to death?’

‘I have to prove to the human race that I am not like them. I do not feel pain, Malena. They have to understand that or they will never let me get beyond this prison walls alive.’

‘You are human. Just like me. Like everyone else.’

‘Why won’t you understand me?’

‘Understand what?’

‘I am God’s gift to this world. I will heal it and its people. And you shall be present by my side every step of the way.’

Malena glared at me for the longest time. She did not know what to say to me. She did not know how to comprehend what I was enlightening her with. ‘I love you. But if you think you’re a gift from God, then I guess I don’t deserve you,’ Malena said as she stood up to leave. ‘Happy birthday,’ she said and left hurriedly.

How could she have been so oblivious of her purpose on this planet? Malena was not this way when I met her for the first time.

‘Save the children! Help us help them!’ she yelled into the large crowd I was a part of. ‘Your donation will help these children avoid starvation and death.’ No one in the crowd seemed to care. They kept on walking as if life was about to end for them. I, on the other hand, stayed. I merely stood there, watching her trying to save lives.

‘Please! I beg you! These innocent children need your help!’ she pleaded some more. I walked up to her. I stood in front of Malena and said, ‘Don’t beg. Human lives should not be saved by begging.’ She simply looked at me, wondering who I was. Wondering what I wanted from her. But she laid aside her curiosity and fear and stretched out her hand, showing me the empty donation box. ‘Please,’ she said with a tired smile, ‘they need help.’

‘Malena told me to give you only two chocolates a day. But you can always ask me for more if you want to,’ Doctor Gustav told me once Malena left.

‘Two is fine, doctor. Thank you,’ I said to him.

‘Would you like to watch The Simpsons? You’ve already missed the first ten minutes of it.’

‘The Simpsons are not real, doctor. They’re animations. What will I gain by watching them? I will only be squandering my time.’

‘That’s fine. Just don’t forget that you have a session with me this afternoon.’

My sessions with Doctor Gustav are unpleasant ones, for during each session he will attempt to persuade me into believing that I am indeed ill. I must eulogize his efforts, as they are brilliant and convincing. His endeavors are, however, no competition against my sanity. The doctor fails to realize that, it may be uncomplicated to convince a mad man into deeming himself sane, but to convince a completely commonsensical and reasonable man that he is insane, however, requires the presence of God. In the asylum where I am imprisoned, God does not exist.

There are scores of patients in this asylum. They are here because they are truly mad. Some of them would never stop screaming. Some would never utter a word. Some would hurt others. Some would hurt themselves. I despise this place. I despise these people. They are God’s mistake.

‘We’re having another patient,’ I overheard Doctor Gustav talking to his nurse.

‘Who is he?’ the nurse asked.

‘Real name is unknown. The guy is a John Doe. The police found him walking on the middle of the street, naked.’

‘Why are they sending him here?’

‘He claims to be God.’

Hope prevails.

‘Finally, he has arrived,’ I told the doctor, ‘my prayers have been answered. He has come to bless me and crown me.’

‘Who?’ the doctor asked.

‘God.’

Doctor Gustav frowned and said, ‘Listen. It’s not what you think.’

‘Do not be afraid, doctor. I will soon be free and this world will experience the miracle it had been waiting for.’

‘He’s not God. He’s just a sick man who thinks he’s God. Just like you think you are the King of this world.’

Doctor Gustav’s frequent mocking of the inevitable and undeniable does invoke anger. But I am a King. And a King must never lose the ability to restrain his emotions.

Two days later, He arrived.

‘You can let him go now,’ Doctor Gustav told the guards once He was inside.

The guards unlocked the cuffs on His wrists and ankles.

‘Feel free to walk around and make friends. But be sure to be in your best behavior if you don’t want to go to prison. Is that understood?’ Doctor Gustav asked God.

‘But I am already in one,’ God replied.

‘Great. A wisehead nutjob. Just what I need,’ Doctor Gustav muttered as he walked to his office.

I approached Him.

‘I was beginning to lose faith. I was beginning to believe that I was truly insane.’ I said to Him. ‘Thank you for coming. Thank you.’

God looked around for a moment before saying, ‘The air in here is somehow fresher than the air outside. Isn’t that strange?’

I remained silent as I did not know how to rejoin. He then looked at me and smiled. ‘You have a question for me?’ He asked.

‘Why have you kept me locked up in here?’

‘For protection.’

‘Protection?’

‘Do you not feel safe in here? Safe from the violent and dangerous world out there?’

‘But I do not fear the world. I do not need protection from it for I will heal it. I am King and I will rule this world and heal it from all its pain and suffering.’

‘You will never heal this world. Instead, you will die trying. I know what your future holds for you. You will fail as a king.’

‘But, why?’

‘It will not be your fault. It will be mine. I have failed as a creator. This world and its inhabitants are a mistake. A mistake I hold responsibility for.’

‘I do not understand.’

‘The mortals of this world have become enemies to their own existence. They have become evil and evil must be annihilated.’

I could not breathe. I could not think. I could not understand. I simply could not believe. I looked at God’s mortal eyes. They were truthful. I could not see lie in those eyes. I did not expect to.

God came closer towards me. He said, ‘Look around you. Look at the space you are in and the individuals who fill it up. This is your kingdom,’ He revealed, ‘and these beings are your subjects.’

‘It’s time for your session, John,’ Doctor Gustav yelled at God from his office.

God whispered to me, ‘The fight against evil will soon be fought and we will win. You have to be strong and brave. Do you know why you have to be strong and brave?’

I nodded and said, ‘Because I am a King.’

‘Now, go,’ He said. ‘Bring your men together and prepare for battle.’

‘Where are you going, dear God?’

‘There is evil in here,’ he said as he turned to look at Doctor Gustav who was standing outside his office. ‘But I will make certain that wickedness no longer exist in this sanctuary.’ God told me before he walked away, heading towards the doctor’s office.

Doctor Gustav breathed his last breath on that auspicious day. God had freed our asylum from sinners. Law enforcement officers took God away. I never saw Him again since then, but I believe that He will return. I believe that I will see Him again. I believe this because there is a war to be fought. I believe this because there is a war to be won. I believe this because evil has spread around this world like a treacherous disease. I believe this because God is the cure for this disease.

‘Hear me! Listen to me!’ I cried out loud with all my might to every single resident of this asylum. ‘Gather around. Come close to me. Do not be afraid. Do not fear me.’

It was the day God arrived. It was the day He left. It was the day Doctor Gustav died. It was the day evil was banished from this place. It was the day I decided not to remain silent anymore. It was the day I decided to stand proud as King.

‘We are no more patients in this asylum. Today, we are citizens of this God-given paradise. We are no more sick and demented. Today, we are warriors. We are guardians of this fragile world. Evil has ruled this world long enough. God has spoken. He wants its reign to end. And we will make certain that their downfall takes place. Have faith in me when I say this: The moon will burn! The sun will freeze! The world will quiet down!’

‘Who are you?’ one of the citizens asked. It was the question I was waiting to hear for a long time.

I looked at each and every one of them.

I could see the future.

I could see victory.

‘I am your King! And you will obey me!’

The Untold Story of Jack and Jill and the Beanstalk

2009-06-04T16:43:00.000+08:00

This is an absolutely silly and childish sketch I wrote seven years ago for the annual Sixth Form dinner in High School Bukit Mertajam. This sketch was never performed due to time restraints and I thank the universe for that.

The Untold Story of Jack and Jill and the Beanstalk

Narrator

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to tell you all a beautiful love story that may disgust you. This love story is about a boy and a girl who lived somewhere in Bukit Mertajam. The boy’s name is Jack.

(Jack enters. He smiles and waves to the audience)

Narrator

That’s Jack ladies and gentlemen. Handsome guy, isn’t he? Absolutely good looking tonight, Jack.

Jack

Shut up lah, you!

Narrator

Okay. The girl’s name is Jill.

(Jill enters, a little coy)

Jack

You look beautiful, Jill. Lovely.

Narrator

Wait a minute. I’m supposed to say that.

Jack

Shut up lah, you!

(Jack and Jill hold hands)

Narrator

Well, as you can see, Jack and Jill are madly in love with each other.

Jack

I love you, Jill.

Jill

I love you, Jack.

Narrator

They love each other so much…

Jack

I love you so much, my dearest nasi kandar.

Jill

I love you so much, my roti canai.

Narrator

…sometimes they make me wanna vomit.

(Jack and Jill stare at the Narrator, angry)

Narrator

I said sometimes. Not all the time.

(They still stare)

Narrator

I’m not vomiting NOW!

Jill

Bodoh.

(Jack and Jill get back to each other)

Narrator

Well, back to the story. Jack and Jill are so in love with each other that they do almost everything together. They eat together.

Jack

What shall we eat tonight?

Jill

Hmm… dinner?

Jack

Genius!

Narrator

They play together.

Jill

Pull my finger.

(Jack pulls Jill’s finger. Jill farts)

Jack

Genius!

Narrator

And they even study together.

Jack

What’s the square root of 9?

Jill

I think it’s a rambutan tree.

Jack

Genius!

Narrator

To make a really long story short, one day…

Jack

Hey, Jill. Wanna go up the hill to fetch a pail of water?

Jill

But what if you fall down and break your crown and I come tumbling after?

Jack

Don’t be silly.

Narrator

So, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.

(Jack and Jill go up the hill)

Narrator

Well, Jack fell down and broke his crown…

(Jack falls)

Narrator

…and Jill came tumbling after.

(Jill falls too)

Jack

I’m alright! But my crown is broken.

(Jack takes out a tiny crown from his pocket. It’s broken)

Jill

I’m hurt, Jack. I think I sprained my ankle.

Jack

Let me check.

(Jack inspects Jill’s hand)

Jill

Jack, that’s my hand!

Jack

Oh my God! Your ankle switched places with your hand!

Jill

Go get a doctor!

(Jack runs off and returns seconds later with a doctor)

Doctor

Tell me what happened and start from the beginning.

Jack

Okay. I was born on the 2^nd of May 1984…

Jill

I sprained my ankle!

Jack

It switched places with her hand.

Doctor

You sprained your ankle and it switched places with your hand???

Jill

No! I just sprained my ankle!

Jack

I’m telling you, it switched places with her hand.

Doctor

Alright, let me check your ankle, Jill.

(Jack carries Jill’s hand, showing it to the doctor)

Doctor

That’s her hand, Jack!

Jack

You see! What did I tell you?

Doctor

I’m going to need some money to buy her medicines.

Jack

How much?

Doctor

Fifty ringgit.

Jack

Fifty ringgit??!!

Jill

My ankle!

Doctor

There’s no time, Jack. I need that fifty and I need it now!

Jack

Where am I going to get that much money? My mother! She’ll help!

(Jack runs home to his mother)

Jack

Mother! Mother!

Jack’s Mother

Jack! Where have you been all day long?! Tell me the truth! Are you a Mat Rempit?

(Jack’s Mother starts whacking Jack with a broom)

Jack

No! Stop it! I was with Jill. She’s hurt!

Jack’s Mother

Jill’s hurt? What happened?

Jack

It’s her ankle. It switched places with her hand and now she’s a freak. I need fifty ringgit to fix her.

Jack’s Mother

We don’t have fifty ringgit, Jack. All we have are those four useless cows.

(Jack’s Mother points to the four useless cows: Tom, Dick, Harry and Muthusamy)

Jack

I can sell them at the market for money.

Jack’s Mother

But those cows are all that we have left.

Jack

Please, mother. For Jill’s sake.

Jack’s Mother

Okay, Jack. For Jill. Take the cows.

(Jack takes the cows and leaves)

Jack’s Mother

Jack, one more thing: Who the heck is Jill?

Narrator

Without further explanation, Jack rushes off to the market. On his way, he meets an old smelly man.

Old Man

Hey there, boy. Where you headed to with those cows?

Jack

To the market. I’m going to sell them.

Old Man

Forget the market. I’ll buy your cows.

Jack

Really? You will?

Old Man

Sure. How much?

(The Old Man takes out his wallet)

Jack

200 ringgit.

Old Man

200 ringgit??!! Hey! You nuts ah??!! You think this one what… Jennifer Lopez and the family ah??!! They’re just useless cows.

Jack

No money, no talk.

Old Man

Tell you what… you give me those four useless cows and I’ll give you these magical beans.

(Old Man shows Jack the beans)

Jack

Magical beans? What do they do?

Old Man

Magic! Plant them. Let them grow. Climb the plant and you’ll find a fortune just waiting for you.

Jack

Are you lying?

Old Man

Maybe. But as long as you’re dumb, stupid and you’ll believe anything, I guess it doesn’t matter.

Jack

Okay. I’ll take them.

(Old Man and Jack trade. Old Man leaves)

Narrator

So, without wasting any time, Jack plants the beans immediately. Suddenly, something happens. The beans start to grow. Jack climbs the beanstalk until he reaches the top. He sees a big, beautiful castle and enters it. Suddenly…

(Giant enters)

Giant

Aaargh!!!

Narrator

The castle’s giant sees Jack and becomes very, very angry.

Jack

No! Please don’t eat me! I don’t wanna die!

(Giant looks confused. He looks at the audience and then at Jack)

Giant

Boleh tolong cakap Bahasa Malaysia tak? Aku tak paham English lah.

Jack

Ye lah.

Giant

Hang ni sapa? Hang nak apa?

Jack

Aku Jack. Aku nak duit.

Giant

Aku boleh bagi hang berapa pun yang hang nak… dengan syarat hang ambil ujian dulu.

Jack

Ujian apa pulak?

Giant

Ujian ni.

(Giant memberikan sekeping kertas kepada Jack)

Jack

Ujian Matematik??!!

Giant

Baca soalan.

Jack

Berdasarkan maklumat yang diberi, anda dikehendaki melukis sebuah carta pai. Carta anda harus lah berbentuk pai dan bukan berbentuk burger atau ais krim Nestle. Masa yang diberikan adalah 15 minit. Sekiranya anda meniru, pastikan tiada siapa menangkap anda. Selamat berjaya.

Narrator

Jack pun terpaksa membuat ujian tersebut demi menyelamatkan Jill. Beberapa minit kemudian…

Jack

Dah siap!

Giant

Woi! Apa ni?! Aku suruh hang buat carta pai, hang pi buat graf garis pasai apa?

Jack

Cikgu aku tak ajar lagi lah macam mana nak lukis carta pai.

Giant

Kurang asam betul! Awak akan mati sekarang!

Jack

Tunggu! Kalau awak nak bunuh saya, awak kena jawab soalan saya dulu. Kalau awak jawab dengan betul, awak boleh makan saya. Tapi, kalau tidak, saya harus dilepaskan dan dibayar wang sejumlah sejuta ringgit sebagai pampasan.

Giant

Baik lah. Teruskan.

Jack

Soalannya, berbunyi begini. Keretapi A bertolak dari stesen A pada pukul 10 pagi. Keretapi A ingin ke stesen B. Perjalanan dari stesen A ke stesen B ialah selama dua jam. Dalam perjalanan, keretapi A meletup dan berkecai. Soalannya, di manakah letaknya Tembok Besar China?

Giant

Alamak. Susah ni. Saya nak gunakan talian hayat rakan telefon.

Jack

Siapa yang ingin anda hubungi?

Giant

Rakan baik saya, Bill Clinton.

Jack

Baik. Hello? Bill ke tu?

Bill Clinton

Yes, Bill speaking.

Jack

Bill, saya bersama rakan anda Giant yang ingin bantuan anda untuk menjawab soalan yang akan menentukan hidup mati saya. Anda sudah bersedia?

Bill Clinton

What?

Jack

Baik. 10 saat dari sekarang.

Giant

Keretapi…

Bill Clinton

Dey, Giant! Long time no see. How are you da dey?

Giant

Fine, fine. Keretapi…

Bill Clinton

You got married ah? Didn’t invite me also.

Giant

Yeah, sorry. Keretapi…

Bill Clinton

I’m the President of the United States, you know. It’s awesome!

Jack

Oh, maafkan saya. Masa dah tamat.

Giant

Tak guna!

Jack

Apakah jawapan anda?

Giant

Tak tahu lah!

Jack

Yes! Yes! Mana duit aku?

(Giant memberikan Jack sekeping cek)

Giant

Ini cek bernilai sejuta ringgit sumbangan Maybank. Voucher-voucher dan hadiah percuma boleh didapati di semua kedai Sony yang berhampiran.

(Jack dan Giant berjabat tangan dan ‘pose’ untuk jurugambar yang tiba-tiba muncul entah dari mana. Jack mula berjalan pergi)

Giant

Tunggu! Apa jawapan untuk soalan tadi?

Jack

Giant, Giant. Kenapa lah hang ni bodoh sangat? Dah lah nama pun Tembok Besar China. Mesti lah kat Argentina! Bengong betul lah hang ni.

(Jack beredar dari situ)

Narrator

Jack pun dengan hati yang gembira segera kembali kepada Jill untuk menyelamatkannya. Doktor mengambil wang daripada Jack dan memberikannya minyak angin cap Kapak untuk disapu pada kaki Jill. Maka berakhirlah kisah percintaan Jack dan Jill yang mengarut ini. Pasangan kekasih ini hidup bahagia selama tiga bulan. Giant yang terlampau marah dengan Bill Clinton, telah menyamar sebagai seorang wanita bernama Monica Lewinsky dan melibatkannya dalam sebuah skandal seks yang teramat dahsyat. Lelaki tua yang memberikan Jack kacang-kacang ajaib telah mati dibelasah oleh empat lembu yang tidak berguna itu kerana dia telah memaksa mereka bertelur emas. Damn!

TAMAT/THE END